WWE founder Vince McMahon announced today that he is relaunching the XFL in 2020. For those who don’t know, the XFL was also a project of McMahon’s back in 2001 and it folded after one season. The original version of the XFL relied on pro-wrestling gimmicks to try and attract fans, but this iteration is looking to take it a different route. Per ESPN:
“McMahon said players in his league will not be given the forum to take a personal stance while on the playing field. McMahon’s wife, Linda, heads the Small Business Administration in Trump’s Cabinet.”
I’ll give you one guess what that means. Spoiler alert: you have to stand for the National Anthem. On top of that requirement, McMahon has also stated that no player with a criminal history will be allowed to play in the league, claiming that:
“We are evaluating a player on many things, including the quality of human being they are. If you have any sort of criminal record or commit a crime you aren’t playing in this league.”
That’s right, folks. Vince McMahon is launching the GOPFL. You know how Trump was able to win the presidency on the backs of a bunch of pissed off, conservative, white people? Well we’re about to see someone try and do the same thing with a football league. Have you ever wondered “what would it look like if someone created a sports league where the entire marketing strategy was to pander to Republicans”? First, why the fuck were you wondering that? But second, pay attention, because here it comes.
That got me wondering what the rest of the league structure would look like, so here is my “I hope this isn’t accurate but I’m really afraid it might be” preview of the XFL.
McMahon has announced there will be 8 teams. We don’t know what cities they will play in nor do we know what the teams will be called, but here are my best guesses.
1. Oklahoma City Blue Lives Matter’s
Oklahoma City is a perfect destination for one of McMahon’s teams. Red state? Check. No pro football team? Check.
2. Grand Rapids But I Have a Black Friend’s
Winning Michigan was a huge coup for Trump and Grand Rapids went dark red in 2016. McMahon rewards them with a team.
3. San Diego Build the Wall’s
Chargers gone? No problem. San Diego gets pro football back and the locals love the regionally-themed name.
4. Charleston The Confederate Flag is Just About Heritage’s
The Confederate flag flew in South Carolina’s capital up until 2015. Fans will come in droves to see the stars and bars take the field again.
5. New York City Trickle Down Economics Works’s
Did you know that you have a better chance to get money if they give it to a rich person first instead of giving it directly to you? Yeah, me neither. Fans of New York’s third pro football team get it, though.
6. Omaha A Fetus’s Heart Starts Beating After Six Weeks’s
Nebraska gets it first pro sports franchise as McMahon looks to pack the Heartland full of teams.
7. Birmingham The Monuments Aren’t About Slavery’s
Alabama didn’t elect Roy Moore, but don’t think they’ve turned a corner. Alabama will be a bastion of XFL fans and the perfect place for a team.
8. San Francisco Snowflake Beta Cuck Libtards
McMahon knows that wrestling is popular because there are villains for fans to root against. He takes that inspiration and applies it to the XFL, as well. Opposite of the rest of the league, they’ll all be contractually required to kneel for the anthem.
RULES AND REGULATIONS
We already know you can’t play in the league if you have any criminal record and you are forced to stand for the anthem (isn’t that a personal stance too?), but what other factors go into determining “the quality of human being you are”? These are likely other requirements for eligibility.
- Always say “Merry Christmas” to your Uber drivers, postal workers, baristas, etc.
- Don’t marry anyone who has a different skin color than you
- No tattoos that don’t feature a cross, Jesus fish, or Bible verse
- Own at least six guns, at least two of which must be illegal in other advanced democracies
- Only white players can play quarterback, full back, offensive line, or linebacker
- Concussions are made up by scientists, much like global warming, so get back on the field, you pussy
And what about other requirements during the game?
- Join the fans in saying the Pledge of Allegiance during every TV timeout
- Get on one knee and point to “Heaven” every time you score
- All cleats must have at least one Bible verse crudely written in Sharpie
- Personally thank every veteran you see in the stands, even if it is during live play
- Don’t ever congratulate yourself or your teammates. God did that good thing you did, not you
- Pregame music on your headphones must contain three Lynyrd Skynyrd songs, Proud to Be an American by Lee Greenwood, and nothing by a black person not named Darius Rucker
What types of players does the XFL expect to attract? Probably a disappointing mix of washed up veterans and aspiring young guys, but I expect to see McMahon break the bank on some marketable players. Here is my prediction for the first round:
1. Charleston – Tim Tebow
Charleston makes Tim Tebow the highest paid athlete in the history of sports. Whatever team gets this guy is going to snag about 95% of the fan base from the first day. Expect Tebow Confederate flag jerseys to outsell Steph Curry jerseys the first day they hit the shelves. It will also be cool to wear them to church.
2. Birmingham – Tim Tebow Post-Crucifixion and Resurrection
I mean, I think most XFL fans expect this to happen. It’s worth the risk.
3. Oklahoma City – Riley Cooper
Remember that bad thing Riley Cooper did a few years ago? Well the XFL is the perfect place to land to rebuild his career and be among like-minded individuals. Just make sure Kenny Chesney plays every home game.
4. Omaha – Tom Brady
Does Brady have more talent than the guys drafted ahead of him? Naturally. But you can’t pass on the chance to take America’s most notorious Christian or America’s most notorious racist. Brady is a steal at this pick and will reliably wear his “MAGA” hat while on the sidelines.
5. New York City – Peyton Manning
When not breaking NFL passing records or sitting on trainers’ faces, Peyton Manning spends his time golfing with Donald Trump. I hate to see a guy like Manning sucked into this mess, but no doubt he’d be a fan favorite, as well.
6. Grand Rapids – Alejandro Villanueva
Villanueva later stated his regret for standing during the National Anthem while his teammates remained in the locker room, but, let’s be honest, XFL fans don’t pay attention to any part of a story other than the headline. No one knows about that part. The opportunity to add a veteran and National Anthem hero is too much to pass here.
7. San Diego – Curt Schilling
Was he a football player? No, at least not in the pros. But if you can throw a 90 mph four-seamer you’ve probably got a decent arm. Plus he’s denied the theory of evolution and compared Muslims to Nazis, so he’s gonna be a fan favorite. Even if he’s just there to hold a clipboard, this is about putting fans in the seats and selling jerseys, not winning games. His stances may have (according to Curt) kept him out of the Baseball HOF, but he’ll be a first ballot guy in the XFL.
8. San Francisco – Marshawn Lynch
Lynch’s most notable accomplishment of the 2017 season was standing for the Mexican National Anthem in Mexico City and sitting for the United States National Anthem. San Francisco leans into their role as the villain and takes him with their first round pick. Colin Kaepernick gets skipped over only because of player and fan safety concerns.
So it looks like this is shaping up to be a real powerhouse of a project. No longer will you have to pick between watching football and being able to look yourself in the mirror in the morning. By simply sacrificing the opportunity to watch players who are actually good at the game and the respect of everyone around you (if they ever gave you any), you’ll get your dream of being at both a football game, a Kid Rock concert, and a White Lives Matter rally at the same time. Heaven, am I right?
In all seriousness, this type of pandering is sickening to me. McMahon can call this a competitor to the NFL but no one buys that. I have a hard time believing he can even fill these rosters with anything but semi-pro talent unless they’re just willing to overpay to get some decent names in there. It will never attract real football talent. This is simply an attempt to make money off of a targeted subset of people. Don’t buy it? Take a look at what we know so far. Teams? Nope. Cities? Nope. Salaries? Nope. Season structure? Nope. Whether players have to stand for the anthem? You betcha. Whether players can have criminal backgrounds? Yep, that too. Things that should be afterthoughts have instead become the league’s most important features. That’s how you know it’s a pandering money grab. McMahon can go fuck himself for seeing a business opportunity and playing the Trump card, because this is the last thing we need right now. Here’s hoping for another quick death to this project, as well.
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