Bum of the Week: John Ross

I know what you’re thinking.  How can the Crowned King of the 40-yard-dash be The BarnBurner’s #BumOfTheWeek?  Well:

Our own Ziggy discussed the preposterous Adidas private island offer last week.  The proposition was simple: wear Adidas cleats, run fuckin’ fast, sign with Adidas, receive private island (equal or lesser to like $1MIL I believe).

Ross apparently decided that owning a private island wasn’t worth it to him because of two reasons: (1) he can’t swim that well; and (2) he doesn’t own a boat.  Beyond the obvious stupidity involved, here’s why, though he might be fast, Ross is a BUM of astounding proportions:

  1. He can’t swim that well and doesn’t own a boat.  We don’t have to look much further than Ross’s own statement to determine that he’s incredibly dumb.  My above-average understanding of the English language and sentence structure leads me to believe that Ross’s statement implies that he CAN swim, just not as well as he’d like.  That means the possibility of his being in mortal danger goes out the window.  Moreover, coupled with his statement about not owning a boat, Ross presupposes that the only thing to do on a luxury private island is either swim or boat, which is absolutely untrue.  Ever heard of sucking down delicious alcoholic beverages out of pineapples complete with little umbrellas?  Ever heard of banging supermodels (by the way, you’ve just increased your likelihood of doing so tenfold by owning your own FUCKING ISLAND)?  Something tells me you’d be able to occupy your time with other fruitful endeavors.  Also, given the inevitable millions you’re about to make, can’t you just buy a boat?  How is not owning one now an obstruction to your future boat ownership?  C’mon.
  2. All he had to do was wear a different pair of cleats.  The rest of his day would look the exact same: show up and destroy Chris Johnson’s record.  Doesn’t it make it even more ridiculous that his barrier to the prize island was merely changing his shoes?  Now I know many of you may argue that changing cleats could have added to Ross’s time, but I just can’t fathom not at least trying.  Why leave money on the table just to wear your existing cleats?   Also, his answer makes it seem like he considered this beforehand and was like, “nah, I can’t swim and don’t have a boat, so I’m not gonna just put on a different pair of cleats and see what happens.”  Totally unmitigated buffoonery.
  3. Even if, for whatever asinine reason, Ross somehow wouldn’t enjoy owning a private island, he could still sell it!  It’s like all those people that win cars on Wheel of Fortune.  What do they do?  They sell the vehicle, pay the taxes on it, and collect the remaining proceeds.  I can’t be sure, but I’d guess Ross probably doesn’t own a ton of luxury real estate.

So that’s why, for better or worse, Ross is #BumOfTheWeek.  And though he may dance like no one’s watching (except for an entire locker room), he can’t escape that homeless stench.

[banner image from nfl.com]

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