Bum(s) of the Week: The Atlanta Falcons

Wow, what a show.  Super Bowl LI was boring, except when it wasn’t.  And when it wasn’t, it was an absolute spectacle.  The Atlanta Falcons, however, collapsed into a smoldering pile of rubble and will probably never get over the result of this game.  They are The BarnBurner BUM(S) OF THE WEEK™.

Brady is GOAT

First, there’s a lot of debate about whether this was a bigger comeback by the Patriots or collapse by the Falcons.  The answer here is that it was a bigger comeback by Brady and the Pats, but said comeback was spurned on by the Falcons’ inexcusable coaching decisions that brought about perhaps the biggest meltdown in sports history on perhaps the biggest stage in sports.  In other words, while the Falcons’ collapse was indeed otherwordly, it would be for naught if the Pats hadn’t snagged two touchdowns and completed TWO 2-point conversions (an amazing feat in itself) late in the 4th quarter.  We can’t discredit what Brady and Belichick authored in that fourth quarter.  It was masterful and akin to watching a conductor weave together a tapestry of music with his orchestra.  To take away from the Pats’ performance would be sports writing malpractice.

The Falcons Collapsed Into a Heap of Fucking Fuming Wreckage & Are Now All Actual Bums

If you see Matt Ryan, Dan Quinn, and Kyle Shanahan traipsing about the nastier parts of downtown Atlanta today, it’s because they’re now actual bums.  Not metaphorical bums, like “oh haha how shitty that they lost that game, they’re total bums at their job ,” but actual homeless men lacking purpose or the basic necessities to sustain human life.

Now, enough has already been written about the Falcons’ horrendous offensive play-calling down the stretch (why not run the ball instead of put Ryan in the shotgun where a sack was a thing that could and, in fact, did happen??).  Did the Falcons understand that these poor decisions would render them begging for change?  Evidently not.

Blowing a 28-3 lead brings the Warriors’ Finals loss to mind.  Until another team blows such a lead in a championship game, the Falcons are the laughing stock of sports and are complete and total bums.

But What If Sex Was On the Line, Too?

Slightly unrelated, there’s no way that Brady didn’t fuck Matt Ryan’s wife in a three-way with Gisele post-win, right?  There should be a rule in all professional championship games that, in addition to all the fanfare and legacy-building that accompanies a championship win, the star of the winning team should be allowed to bang the wife of the star on the losing team. After all, sports are, at their core, contests of caveman instincts.  Why deny the thirst for lust after besting your rival physically?  Imagine how much harder each teams’ stars would play if their wives’ infidelity was on the line?  What if a player’s marriage was on the rocks?  Would they just be like, “fuck it, guy, enjoy”?  Moreover, imagine someone super cerebral like Alex Smith having to submit to this.  Would he advise his future cuckolder to wear a condom to avoid all possible STIs?  I don’t know, but that, folks, would be unparalleled theater.

[banner image from The Falcoholic <https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CVAJwHAWsAAUmo_.jpg>]

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