I’m Not 100% Sure, but Coach K Could Actually Be a Satanist.

Look, I’m not here to put forth outrageously unsubstantiated headlines to get your attention, but here’s why I think Coach Mike Kryzewski worships the Fallen Angel Lucifer.

“Back Surgery.”

His two “back surgeries” have come during two relativly mediocre Duke basketball seasons.  My specific use of quotations, in this case, means that I don’t believe for a second that Coach K is actually having back surgery when he says he’s having “back surgery.”  I think it’s possible that he’s ritually sacrificing 1000 virgins instead as part of a Pagan ceremony.

Want proof, you say?  Coach K last had back surgery during the 1994-1995 season.  That season, his team finished 13-18 (and 2-14 ACC).  The next season?  18-13 (8-8 ACC) with an NCAA Tournament Bid.  Coincidence or did the Devil’s hand interfere?  Who can say.  But also consider this season (2016-2017).  Duke is struggling.  They don’t have an identify.  Grayson Allen won’t stop fucking tripping people and NC State demolished the Blue Devils on their home court.  They’re 18-5, but with the talent they’ve got on the roster, they should likely be undefeated.  What does Coach K do?  He mysteriously leaves to get another “back surgery.”

Now I’m not here to insinuate, but what do I really think he’s doing?  I couldn’t begin to guess, but he COULD be guzzling the blood of infant lambs, couldn’t he?  Does Duke not always miraculously bounce back from terrible seasons?  Coach K is famously competitive and frequently engages in unconventional coaching tactics (read: banning them from the locker room and prohibiting from from wearing their own gear) to motivate his players.  Who’s to say he wouldn’t engage in a Wiccan Full Moon Circle ritual in order to get above .500 in ACC conference play?  I personally wouldn’t say that, but someone might.

Coach K Might Be Immortal.

Now I don’t know much about Satanism, but it seems to me that if you pledge yourself to the Lord of Darkness, you outta get some sort of immediate wordly pleasure or benefit. Immortality comes to mind.  Consider these two pictures of Coach K, one from 1995 and one from the present:

Image result for coach k 1995

Image result for coach K 2016

I’m not going to even tell you which picture is from which year, and while you might hazard a guess, it’s still eerie as shit, right?  That’s a 21 year gap.  Guy still looks great.  If he isn’t a follower of a polytheistic or pantheistic religion, then scientists need to study Coach K to uncover the secret to biological immortality.

After consideration of all data, I’m not necessarily confirming that Coach K is a Satanist, but also, he could indeed worship the Devil.  #FactsMatter

[all images from ESPN online]

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